I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
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I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.