I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
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No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
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I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
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I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go