I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
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cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Can’t, holding a grudge
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher