I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
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I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.