Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.