I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
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I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists