I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
![]()
You Might Also Like
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I will never stop laughing at this
![]()