Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

[rubs magic lamp]

GENIE: You get 3 wishes

“Anything?”

GENIE: No wishin for more wishes

“I wish for more genies”

GENIE: I don’t like you

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?

Parents.

FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*