Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.

4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.

when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*