My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
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“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
our love story in four pictures
The Assassin.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.