God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
“I see your bet and raise you all my hair since 6th grade. Oh and this pen.”
“Sir that’s not-
“You got a problem with pens?”
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If I haven’t said something mildly offensive today I’m sorry and I promise to try harder
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
“Sir you can’t bring a whole cake into a movie theater”
“What if I cut it in half?”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you