Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

is frankincense just very honest incense?

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.