I see your IQ test came back negative
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if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter