I see your IQ test came back negative
You Might Also Like
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?