I see your IQ test came back negative
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Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Pickled cat.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
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saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.