I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
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Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you