Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.