I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
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Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
🤣🤣🤣
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
