I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
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My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.