I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
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Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.