“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
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Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
File under excellent bookstore names.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.