“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
You Might Also Like
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Toxic snake
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture