Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.

Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

Her: what was that about?

Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off

Her: at the zoo tho?

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

Me irl

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.

My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips