“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
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[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*