I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
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Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Cat.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts