Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

I don’t call them exes, I call them whys

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

neighborhood watch

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?