I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
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Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.