I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
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[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
The little toadstool has spoken.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.