“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
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Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
When you kidnap a writer.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there