“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
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Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount