Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.

Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.