I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
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Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
when you are just born a rebel
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Before crowbars crows drank alone
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA