Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

Ron is short for Aaronald

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?