I self medicate, therefore you live.
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[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Sharon I have some bad news
