@Crunch11b

I self medicate, therefore you live.

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@AGreaterMonster

When I was a kid I got in trouble for playing with Grandma Bella in the sandbox. Can’t play with dead bodies apparently.

@JohnLyonTweets

*watches Beauty and the Beast*

*looks at dirty dishes in sink*

WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!

@KayRants

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

@OBiiieeee

“You should go with the black one” I whispered from inside the clothes rack as she dropped both shirts and ran.

FINE, GO WITH THE WHITE ONE

@jessicaabrownnn

Ok so last night a girl was crying in the toilets cause her ex got a lass pregnant who he cheated on her with, so me tryna make her feel better said “could be you tho and kids are awful u don’t want them” she looked me dead in the eye and said “I already have two kids”

@Sickayduh

“Hey Fred”
Yeah Barney?
“The Bee Gees have no hot chicks in the band”
Yeah but ABBA do!

@BlindChow

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

@simoncholland

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

@boring_as_heck

Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I’d like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.

@reczit

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.