I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
You Might Also Like
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.