I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.