I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
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I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.