Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Daughters official statement about the event once she got home: “This could have been really fun, if *insert teachers last name* wasn’t scared of freakin birds and cried like a little girl about catching the bird flu. Like, hello, Covid exists. Nobody cares about the bird flu.”

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?