I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
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*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
this is the greatest thing ever
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.