Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

New tinder profile pic

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.

Me: Harry Potter.

Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.

Me: then why does it have witches?

Wife:

Me: and spells.

Wife:

Me: and flying broomsticks.

Wife: pick another movie.

Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.