Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in mathematics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: minus one

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that