Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

Roses are red, you always mattered,

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

remember

only for emergencies

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.