i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
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Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
SPLOOT
