I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
You Might Also Like
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
My first child will be named New Folder.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.