Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…

Justice League, confused: So like, which half?

Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

Me: I think that’s Dave

Wife: It’s not Dave

Me: Gonna wave to him

Wife: Don’t!

Me: Hey Dave!

Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000

Me: It’s not Dave

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

[at a sperm bank]

“Can I browse the clearance bin?”

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

thoughts?

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.

I can’t stop watching this.

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you