I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
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I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
can’t talk my ride’s here
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I love texting my boyfriend
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
You sure about that?
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley