I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
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[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Time for evil
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭