Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman drives into a bar.

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

😂😂

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.