I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
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Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”