Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours