Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

Need WebMD

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.