Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.

Somebody tell her, I can’t.

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

every olympics i turn into this guy

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

this is one of the funniest videos of all time

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.