I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
You Might Also Like
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
the last thing a carrot sees
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.