I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
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My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Note to self: I am a note
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.