I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
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vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
no such thing as a dumb question
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
This is my bus stop.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?