Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.