My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
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me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
“I’m not good at goodbyes.” I am. See ya.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
Gravediggers: this is why
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
WIFE: He has become extremely cold and distant.
HUSBAND (via skype, from an arctic research base): Not true.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks