I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
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[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Go hard or stay average
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper