Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.

Next day

F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

😂🤣😂🤣

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.

Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone