Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

Hmm, not sure about this change

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.