I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
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[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose