I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
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When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
*weighs self after shaving
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies