I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
You Might Also Like
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails