Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger