Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.