I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
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Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years