Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

Covert ops

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.