“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
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Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
O Wise One….
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***