Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

Tremendous stuff

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it

Planet of the Apps.

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then