“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
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So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
✌🏽
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.