@TheToddWilliams

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

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@bombscribe

If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

@NicestHippo

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

@GrantTanaka

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

@AmazEven

Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol

@Smooheed

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

@iwearaonesie

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*

@bathflyer

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

@juliussharpe

I rented a tuxedo then didn’t need it. Do you know how hard it is to sublet a tuxedo?

@thenatewolf

*Trying to come up with the most romantic thing I could possibly say*

You’re like if my friend Brent was a girl.

@AdriannaLaCervx

I squish my belly fat around during serious conversations because I have intimacy issues.