Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

Netflix: We have Less

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?