I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
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We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single