I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
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My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.