Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.

Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.

Can I tell her? Pleeease.