Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

Me: How did the interrogation go?

Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.

Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: rewatching Frozen.

Wife: why?

Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.

Wife: why?

Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.

Wife: why?

Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.