I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
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This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.