Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like

when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.