Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?

Me: ok Socrates time for bed

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past