Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

me: would you still love me if i was crazy?

him: if????

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.