I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
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“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I know karate and tons of other words.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
That time Alicia messaged me
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
me
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
How software testing works
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up