Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!

7yo: What’s the radio?

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out